It started as a joke between me and my best friend. She told me that all these women in mommyland were reading the newest romance novel that not only spawned from Twilight as fan fiction, but really crossed the line into erotica. Now, it wasn’t the first book she’d told me about mommyland readers who usually pushed books like Sarah’s Key were deeply engrossed in. Quite frankly, besides the giggle, I never thought much about it. Not because I’m a literary snob, I’ve been known to reread The Babysitter’s Club while staying at my parents. I simply don’t read romance novels. Words like moist and panties and member make me want to crawl out of my skin. The covers make me squeamish. It’s odd, because I’m probably the least prudish person I know. I read Savage Love religiously. The dark side of the internet doesn’t bother me in the least; however, when someone calls a live person HOT, I want to crawl under the table and hide. I used to think it was men calling women HOT that made me uncomfortable. However, after hearing it from women, I’ve realized that I just don’t want to hear anyone say it. My best friend even created a Pinterst Board: Things That Make Shosh Uncomfortable. The first pin, I believe, was a fake half-naked picture of Paul Rudd. The next? Ryan Gosling. Why? I don’t get him. I hate hearing grown women fawning over him like he’s the prom king. Don’t even get me started on Zac Efron.
(If you’ve stopped reading by now because I’ve greatly offended your animalistic urges to talk about male celebrities you’ll never meet, don’t worry. I realize this is my problem, not yours. I know that I’m the one with the hang-ups that should probably dealt with in therapy)
Anyway, my best friend, started posting literary criticisms on my Facebook page. When my friends in mommyland saw these offensive posts, they went crazy! Everyone loved the book so much. They weren’t ashamed: It was great. It was awesome. A real page turner. Their anger and offense was palpable—these are my friends: women I respect. I had to know what they saw that I couldn’t see. I had to read it for myself:
The following are my random tweets about the book:
I couldn't get through Gone With the Wind because I found it too trashy and here I am with mommyland smut. #fiftyshadesofgrey
Now that I know all your mommyland kindles and IPads are smutted up with #fiftyshadesofgrey-- no more raised eyebrows at my@SuicideGirls
FYI #ELJames I hate the word panties AND the use of the word baby. Since when do stunning rich men wear black jeans?#fiftyshadesofgrey
And PS, your inner goddess? Please, I'll tell you what you can do with your stupid inner goddess. #fiftyshadesofgrey #mommysmut
Because @DEHausfrau was out of town, no one was here to stop me from buying the second book. #Fiftyshadesdarker #damnyoukindlebuybutton
@DEHausfrau I feel like I shouldn't be reading a book that causes me to scream get a freaking room every two minutes. #smutsnob
@theBitchinWife I can't speak ill of anything right now because I'm reading fifty shades of oh my gd don't you have any fun at home?
@theBitchinWife it's awful. I want to punch each character, but they might like it too much. Although I've decided that I'm a smut snob.
@shvaygshosh Life's too short! Throw that book aside and read something good.
@theBitchinWife the Anne Bolelyn books are much more enjoyable. Videos with the ability to fast forward are much more enjoyable.
You know it's bad when you're skipping the sex parts of a plotless book. #fiftyshadesofgetaroom
Is my #Kindle dead because the Great Rabbi stepped on it or because it doesn't want me reading #fiftyshadesofgrey?@AmazonKindle
The woman behind me in line is buying the #fiftyshadesofgrey trilogy. The woman in front of me is laughing at her
On the phone, the woman behind me says, "hmmm, this says erotic. I wonder if I should get a book cover." #fiftyshadesofgrey#mommylikessmut
You might as well be walking around #barnes&noble with an unwrapped #playboy and a pack of condoms. #50shades
Then, of course, there’s my commentary I posted on my Pinterest Board: Things that Make Shosh Uncomfortable:
Where to begin? I complained all the way through it. The end made me want to throw up, and somehow I'm in the middle of the second book. However, I find it so irritating that I've been skipping the endless naughty spectacles. That's pretty bold in a book of plotless smut. We get it Anastasia, you have no idea how beautiful you really are. Cry me a river. You're overly connected to your inner goddess. Money makes you squirm. Christian Gray is so hot. Worse, what billionaire wears black jeans?
So now, how do I feel? You’ll have to wait until I read book three: Fifty Shades Freed…