Friday, July 8, 2011

What to Expect when you’re Fat

While I avoid pregnancy books at all costs, for some reason I signed up for the What to Expect app on my I-Phone. The only good reason to use it is to keep track of how pregnant I actually am; otherwise, it's awful. I'm glad that I've been pregnant before and that I'm not married to the author's husband because clearly he is an idiot. The advice she gives either focuses on the importance of eating or the importance of telling your stupid husband how stupid he is. Yesterday's post is the perfect example:

"For Dad: What Fat?

Say it again: it's not fat, it's not fat, it's not fat. Right now, FAT is a four letter word, and she spends every minute of every day wondering if her body will ever return to its original shape. If you know what's good for you, you will banish the word "fat" from your vocabulary starting now. If you absolutely need to reference your wife's size, memorize this scientifically correct synonym: maternal storage tissue."

How about this for a synonym: baby in my belly? Intestines in weird places? Really? We have to tell our husbands not to call us fat when we're pregnant? Or, quite frankly, in general? Who are these men? Despite my own zavtikness, the Giant Gentile would never ever look at me and say, "God, you're so fat." Do you really want to be married to the kind of dude that would say that in the first place? And, who is this dude? He must be the sitcom dad—the loveable idiot who simply just doesn't know how to think. (Don't get my husband started on the ridiculousness of the sitcom dad…). It's not that I don't believe people like this exist…I'm just pretty sure that the same guy that is telling his pregnant wife is fat is probably the same guy telling his secretary how hot she is and then closing his office door…


Her other posts involve eating or not eating. She reminds me not to skip meals in this really condescending way as if I'm trying to me sneaky by not eating. Even when she's talking about workouts—she's reminding me to eat workout snacks. Isn't there anything important she has about actually being pregnant? Or about what's it's going to be like to have a baby? Something helpful to all those first time mothers out there who actually take her little app seriously? Like it's okay to spend all morning crying? Forgetting where your shoes are is totally normal. How about quick come-backs for people who ask you if you're having twins? Now that's helpful.

Of course, the real answer is to delete the app, but I can't! I don't know why. Maybe because it's easier to be annoyed with her then for me to be annoyed with the million other people my pregnancy hormones can't stand…